THE WIND AND I

I always loved the wind and wondered what it was about.

There was and still is a kind of enchantment for me when I see leaves dance with skittering delight across the horizon. And I hear music when I see tumble weeds join in a kind of natural chorus line. They eventually succumb to the wind and are forced to fall out of step with their group.

I now know that I am a tumbleweed that was forced to be a part of a social chorus line. Because I finally succumbed to a brisk wind in my life, I fell out of step with my group and became what I have known that I was since I was thirteen--I am and have always been a lesbian.

Growing up in the 40's was not conducive to think or speak about homosexuality. During this period there was a term for homosexuals and when I heard it in my home they were referred to as "god damn queers”!!! "Sex " was such a forbidden word that I can never remember saying it until I was in high school.

As I began to realize about my own sexuality, I knew that I must never let this secret out and it needed to be buried deeply. After all, I could not and would not be a "god damn queer".

The pain that goes with being a homosexual is only known by another homosexual trying to live in a heterosexual world. My true feelings about other women came to me strongly when I was 13 but I really knew before that time that there was something so different about the way I felt about women. It was at this age that I knew it was going to be important to bury what ever I felt because I was not one of those "god damn queers! "

How those words ring in my ears and the same pain rolls over me like a smothering darkness. That was because I constantly had to bury deep within me who I was. I buried and hid my true feelings for years! Who and how I was freed is my real story. There are other issues that were social values and restrictions at the time and I feel they are worth writing about so any young woman will understand what kept women trapped quietly in their minds and bodies.

I have two granddaughters and I would like them to understand that I lived a lie that I thought was totally necessary to protect my family. Was I a cheat?

Yes, I cheated my family and myself because I could never be who I wanted to be. I cheated my husband and kept us both in a relationship that should have ended years and years ago.

When it did end-- -I have never felt such freedom in my life.